Friendships and relationships have been weighing on many people's minds, lately. Every time I turn around I seem to witness or hear about a relationship or friendship affected by unhealthy qualities. In all honesty, I'm no exception. However, I believe that if people do not become informed about these issues they may spiral out of control. So, I am offering my advice based on what I have learned from my own experiences and from my education in counseling. Relationships make life fulfilling and worthwhile
in many ways, but how can you tell if your friendships or relationships are
healthy or unhealthy? We all have our issues and insecurities; just as we all
have our talents and unique personalities that make us who we are as individuals.
The problems arise when there is unequal value and worth for the relationship
or the individuals involved, if there is a lack of trust or respect, and if the
relationship prevents the continuation of other friendships or activities.
All forms of relationships take work and effort to
maintain. They all thrive through mutual communication, respect, trust, and
value of the relationship. However, when any of these are lacking, the relationship
cannot function correctly. There will be questions of trust, one person trying
to have all the control and power in the relationship, and the occurrence of
manipulation. Conflict may easily dominate, or one or both parties may simply
pretend there isn’t a problem in order to maintain peace, and sometimes find
secret and alternative ways to get revenge or make their feelings known. This
is a fall-out to not working through these problems. If your friendship or
relationship feels like this then you’re in an unhealthy relationship. The
tricky part is that you can really care for your friend or significant other,
and have a few qualities of a healthy relationship, but it still be unhealthy,
because there is not an equal amount of these qualities (such as respect,
trust, loyalty, value, etc.).
So, now that you know whether or not your relationship is
healthy or not, what do you do about it? The first step would be to discuss
your concerns with your friend or significant other and tell him/her how you
feel and your demands for an equal, mutually respecting and trusting relationship.
Offer solutions to the problem to show that you value the relationship, while
also striving to make it stronger and more mutual. Your feelings should be
respected by the other, even if the other person does not feel the same way. They
can agree or disagree, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is how you feel
and your feelings need to be validated and a solution found. Your friend or
significant other may have a few concerns of his/her own that you may need to
respect, as well. However, be warned that if everything turns out to be your
fault, the person is not mature enough to handle sharing in any of the blame.
Do not fall into this trap. This is another form of manipulation, disrespect, immaturity,
and control.
If you feel uncomfortable talking about your concerns in
person, you can try writing a letter or email and giving it to the person.
However, be warned that in letters feelings and your tone may be misrepresented,
as your words may indicate harsh feelings where there are none. It’s all in how
it gets interpreted. Naturally, when you tell someone that they are doing
something wrong or causing harm to you via their actions, behavior, and
treatment, they will feel a little defensive, so make sure it is handled
respectfully. You could try telling them what they are great at and that you
value the friendship and that person prior to going into the negative. It will
soften the blow. If you feel that you cannot friendly confront someone without
that person turning it against you then you may indeed have an unhealthy
relationship. In a respectful, healthy relationship, both people can be at
fault, both people have a right to their feelings, and both people are equally
valued and respected. None of those are present if you can’t even present your
case, without them turning it around in your face.
Other things you can do include counseling, agreeing to a
mutual “separation” period where you each can regain your separateness and with
it a sense of clarity with the issue. In addition, the termination of the
friendship or relationship may also be an outcome that can at first seem
stress-inducing, but worth it in unhealthy friendships/relationships. Ask
yourself these questions: “Is the relationship worth it?” “What do I have to
give up with myself to maintain this relationship” “Am I respected and trusted,
or do I have to always explain myself and my reasoning for things? “Am I made
to feel less valuable or worthwhile than the other person?” and “How would I
feel if I woke up and I didn’t have to worry about the relationship, nor any of
the fallout?” Hopefully answering some of these questions will lead in in the
right direction of which course of action you should take. However, with all
relationships and friendships feelings are involved, so you must act
respectively. Communicate your concerns, but do not be mean, cruel,
manipulative, self or other-blaming, etc. Remember that people, unhealthy or
otherwise, can become damaged by not getting closure, or from being mistreated
or undervalued. Respect the other person enough to not let this happen to them,
even if you choose to terminate the friendship/relationship.
I hope this blog post has been helpful to people out
there putting their friendships or relationships to question. Feel free to
share your suggestions and recommendations below.
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