Today’s blog post is going to be about relationships. I
truly believe that relationships are the center of the human world, as we are
relational beings that must interact with various people throughout our
lifetime. Learning how to be in effective, happy and healthy relationships begins
with learning how to be a healthy and happy individual. The problem is that we
aren’t always whole or healthy prior to starting relationships. We may not even
be aware of this fact. Past relationships or traumas that we experienced during
childhood, for example, can influence the people we are today and any scars or
baggage we carry around with us. These inadvertently may affect the kind of
relationships we are able to develop and maintain with others.
Past hurts may make us stronger and teach us lessons that
have a positive impact on our future relationships. That is the ideal. However,
that indicates that the person has gone through a period of healing,
acceptance, and has developed coping skills, which allowed them to let go and
move on from that past experience, without carrying its wounds around with us
in a negative manner. That kind of development does not happen overnight for
most people. In addition, the individual differences in people may make one
person better able to reach this stage sooner than others. For example, a
person’s attitude, perspective in life, values and beliefs, etc. may all impact
a person’s reactions to events and their ability to cope.
When people enter into relationships before being whole,
healthy, and happy individuals, it can lead to major consequences, such as the development
of anger, conflict, self-esteem concerns, lack of trust, the inability to form
healthy attachments, insecurities, jealousy, control issues, resentment, irrational
thinking, bitterness, and ultimately unhappiness for both people involved. Therefore,
the ideal course of action would be to heal from past abuses, traumas, and past
events prior to entering into future relationships. However, not all of us find
this healing prior to the start of a new relationship for one reason or
another.
If you
are one of these people who did not heal completely prior to entering into a
new relationship and you find your relationship struggling with some of these
above mentioned issues, do not lose hope. The road ahead of you and your
partner may be more challenging, but with a lot of effort, support,
self-examination, coping skills, and other key skills and tools specific to
your circumstances, you can still reach that goal of having a healthy,
effective, and happy relationship. If these are things you are willing to seek
out and achieve, success may certainly be in your future. However, if these are
factors you are not willing or able to achieve, it may be best for both
individuals to part ways, even temporarily until those changes have been made,
before the unnecessary hurting of others leads to additional and permanent
wounds for all involved.
It comes
down to a choice. Do you take the path that may be full of potholes, but has the
potential to take you to a destination so beautiful that you feel the journey
there was worth it? Is having a relationship with this particular person
something you are willing to fight for? Or would it seem more worth it to take
an easier path, by going your separate ways, and perhaps exploring future
options with anther individual when you are ready? Is your relationship worth
salvaging? The answers to these questions may largely be based on the level of
commitment and love between these two individuals and the amount of “damage”
that has arisen in the relationship.
It’s
important to note that every person has their faults; it is rarely ever just
one person that is responsible for the unhappiness and unhealthiness of a
relationship. An unhealthy person suffering from past wounds which affects the
relationship is just as culpable as a person who has not learned or put into
practice key skills that are essential for healthy relationships (such as effective
communication). This leads into a key realization: no matter who you are in a
relationship with your faults may still cause that relationship to suffer in
similar ways. Therefore, the problem is not necessarily the person you are in a
relationship with, but the issues you are responsible for changing within
yourself. You can change your partner, but if you do not make the necessary
changes within yourself, you can still have the same result. This may be why some
people have serial relationships that never succeed.
In
future blog posts, I would like to talk about what people can do to help
themselves and their relationships through various scenarios. You are your best
advocate. You have the power within yourself to accomplish your goals, dreams,
and desires. You just may need to be shown various options available to you, in
order to achieve them for yourself and your relationship. Until next time….
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